The 100: Chapter Eight (no_shit.jpg)

Did you guys know that there's a bunch of preserved bodies of dead hikers just hangin' out on Mount Everest, and people use them as landmarks? There's one called Green Boots that's apparently like, super useful. This has nothing to do with anything, I just read about it and it's been blowing my mind all day and it's way more interesting than anything that happens in this chapter.

But it's a Glass chapter but that's to be expected. Zing, heavy sigh, etc., okay let's get to it.

So if y'all remember, and I know it's difficult, but we last left Glass in Good Guy Guard's (Luke's) apartment (flat) hiding from the space fuzz, and that's where we pick up again, with this zinger of an opening line:

Glass spent the rest of the night on Luke's couch, grateful that Camille didn't ask why she refused to sleep in Carter's old room. 

I mean, that's foreshadowing, just so you know. Carter is Luke's creepy roommate and I feel a little ill about this already, but I'll spare you the gory details until we get there because it's really fucking messed up.

So they've let Glass crash, because who wouldn't, when your convict ex-girlfriend who dumped you mercilessly without explanation shows up in the middle of the night being chased by the authorities, and Glass takes the opportunity to angst about it all, which I don't actually blame her for. I'd probably be a real downer, too.

She'd tossed and turned all night. Every time she rolled over, the bracelet dug into her skin, a painful reminder that while she was in danger, Wells was hundreds of kilometers away, fighting to survive on a planet that hadn't been able to support life for centuries. It'd always been his dream to see Earth, but not like this. Not when it might still be toxic. Not after seeing his father shot right in front of him.

Do you think Glass would still feel so bad if she knew Wells was mostly okay enough to be doing the same angsting over his ex that she's doing up here? Well, probably. Because it wasn't supposed to be like this! 

I shouldn't make fun of them for that because they're kids living in horrible conditions, so of course they made up idyllic fantasies in their head and now they're crushed that they're not coming true. But I can't help it, okay, it's just such an easy target.

So Glass tosses and turns and tortures herself by trying to listen for Luke and Camille making out in the bedroom:

The faintest murmur from the other side of Luke's door was enough to turn her stomach. The silence was even worse.

And speaking as a single lady currently living with the most obnoxious couple to have ever found each other on this God's green earth, that is such bullshit. How is silence worse? That means they're sleeping. You know what's the worst? Having to lay on that couch and listen to your ex having an orgasm while his new girlfriend yells "harder yeah, like that, give it to me, you sexy man stallion!" That's the worst. 

Yeah, so whatever, the silence bugs her, and it bugs her even more the next morning when Camille comes out of the bedroom half naked and wearing one of Luke's shirts, because we must establish that Camille is possessive and jealous. 

Then Luke's all "good morning," and Glass is like oh my God he sounds so formal he hates me my life is a horrible nightmare, and they decide to get the bracelet off of her, at which point Camille finally decides to speak up and be like "yo, are you sure this whole harboring a fugitive thing is a good idea when our government has a no-tolerance kill-everyone-for-everything policy? Just saying."

Luke's expression darkened. "We talked about this." He spoke quietly, but Glass heard the note of frustration in his voice. "If we don't help her, they're going to kill her. It's the right thing to do."

The right thing to do, Glass thought. That was all she meant to him anymore, a life he didn't want on his conscience.

Gag me with a spoon, I'm so sick of these mushy boy feelings already and we're not even halfway through the novel yet.

So Camille is like, "fine asshole, whatever," because I guess this all makes sense, sort of, and gives Glass some clothes that she apparently pulls out of thin fucking air because there's absolutely no mention of her, like, moving or doing anything to retrieve them.

Camille sighed and tossed Glass a shirt and a pair of pants. "Here," she said. "I know it's not up to your Phoenix standards, but you'll look a bit more believable in this. You aren't going to pass for a sanitation worker with that hair."

WHAT HAIR. WHAT HAIR? WHAT DOES GLASS' HAIR LOOK LIKE? WHAT DOES ANYONE LOOK LIKE? BECAUSE IN MY HEAD THEY ALL LOOK LIKE THE GREENDALE HUMAN BEING.

hi my name is glass and i have the best boyfriend in the world!!! #lukeglass #lass #shippername #blessed #nofilter

Also when was the sanitation worker disguise plan thing worked out? Did I miss that? I might've been asleep, that's always possible. 

Okay so there's that required awkward/"cute" moment where Glass is standing there like "should I get naked right here, or..." and Luke blushes and leaves because omg he still loves her, and then finally something interesting:

"It's your hair. Girls don't wear it that long here."

"Why?" she asked, realizing with a small measure of guilt that she'd never even noticed.

Luke had turned and began rummaging through a small storage bin against the wall. "Probably because it'd be too hard to take care of. We don't get the same water allotment on Walden that you do on Phoenix."

So what this tells me: again, Phoenix people are really, really scary in their blissful ignorance of the world around them (so...like privileged people in general, actually) and also: OCTAVIA PROBABLY HAS SHORT HAIR. Now I'm picturing her with a super hot pixie cut and I'm sort of flustered. 

So like, he gives her a hat and then he brushes her hair back and they have a Moment uggGGHHH I'M SO BORRRRRED you know what I'm just gonna skip all this shit, long story short, he takes her to some abandoned workshop because apparently they have SO MUCH SPACE on this Colony that there's just empty rooms to hide in fucking everywhere, and here's something interesting, finally:

"One of the old workshops. This is where they used to repair the Earthmade equipment, before it was all replaced. I came here for some of my training."

Glass started to ask why the guards would train here, but bit back the question. She always forgot that Luke had already started his mechanical apprenticeship when he was accepted into the engineering corps of the guards. He rarely spoke about that part of his life. Looking back, Glass was ashamed that she hadn't tried harder to learn about Luke's world; it was no wonder he'd turned to Camille.

Soo, I know this is Morgan's method of trying to smooth in exposition, but she keeps constantly doing it by having Glass be like "oh yeah, I forgot about that," and as a result makes this character come off as a total space cadet. It's not exactly flattering. 

So the guards have multiple "corps," with different skill sets? This is starting to be a little Harry Potter-esque, in that there are only so many careers you can go into. Pick your character! Are you a Farmer or a Guard? 

Okay so then Luke decides that we're going to cut off Glass' bracelet with a laser cutter oh my fucking god that sounds so dangerous and I am horrified, and so is Glass, obviously, because thEY ARE HELD IN WITH TINY NEEDLES DID WE FORGET ABOUT THAT.

Luke gave Glass a look that was equal parts amusement and irritation. "No arguing. The sooner we get that thing off of you, the better your chances of hiding."

"Can't we just figure out a way to unlock it?"

Luke shook his head. "It has to be cut off."

Jesus fucking Christ, I know nothing gets me hotter than when a man demands that I let him use a powerful cutting tool to cut off a creepy handcuff embedded in my skin and then condescendingly laughs at my logical self-preservation instinct to, you know, not let him do that. Especially when I know he's pissed off at me for personal reasons. I'd feel really safe there.

So whatever, he cuts it off and it takes like, a page and a half and it's so boring, oh my God I don't care about any of this. Then Glass thinks some more about how sad she is they're broken up. Why not.

In the past, Luke would've reached over, taken her chin in his hand, and looked her in the eye until she giggled. You're a terrible liar, Rapunzel, he'd say, a reference to the fairytale about the girl whose hair grew a foot anytime she fibbed.

Wait, what? What version of Rapunzel are you taking this from, because I have literally never heard that before? 

In every version of Rapunzel that I'm familiar with, there's no mention whatsoever for any particular reason why Rapunzel's hair is so long - it just simply is. Most people trace the story back to a book written by a French aristocrat named Charlotte-Rose de Caumont de La Force, who in addition to having a really fucking long name was a fucking bad ass novelist and you should look her up when you have a chance, because she was rad. The Grimm brothers adapted their version of Rapunzel from her novel Persinette, and once your fairy tale makes it into the Grimms then you've, like, made it, so the rest is history, so they say. But yeah, I can't remember or find, from my super intense Googling that I just did, any version of Rapunzel that involves her hair growing every time she lies, so I'm thinking this is a Kass Morgan Attempt at indicating future space culture, and how a popular fairy tale (which is two words, by the way) would have adapted and changed over time. So like, a mash up between Rapunzel and Pinocchio.

BUT OKAY HERE'S THE THING. THAT'S FUCKING DUMB. Because this is the future. They have movies in the future. We know they have books. So, like, I don't know, don't you think it's a little weird that the story would have taken this nonsensical direction in the cultural mindset, when a better idea would have been to hint at that incredibly popular Disney film that adapted the tale with a magical element? So instead of some out of left field thing about lying, maybe something about how she has healing powers through her hair? Or her dashing prince true love who's actually just a thief in disguise? Something that indicates that this book is taking place in the real world, and not some weird space vacuum with no connection whatsoever to reality?

Like, I just find it hard to believe that when these people's ancestors were escaping Earth and gathering up all these Louvre paintings and bird skeletons and priceless first editions of Hemingway novels to preserve their highly treasured Earth culture, that nobody threw their Disney DVD collection into the mix. Like, come the fuck on. Disney fans are obsessive, okay, there is no way that the affects those movies had on our culture would just disappear completely. 

It's not a big deal. This is a relatively small detail that means nothing in the long run, but it's a prime example of one of the novel's bigger problems: it's got nothing for us to relate to, nothing to anchor it in the real world, to make us think about how all of this might be in our own future. That's a very, very important element in all dystopias: it needs to feel possible, and this is the kind of detail that makes this story feel so removed, blank. Sterile. 

But yeah, that's not actually what this chapter is about, so I'm gonna take a deep breath and just, yeah, move on. Back to their weird conversation.

"So how have you been?" she asked finally, when she couldn't bear the weight of the silence any longer.

Just so you guys know - they're still on the run from the guards, and Glass is still a fugitive. They're just, like, walking around, here. Having this conversation. Yup.

Luke glanced over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow. "Oh, you know, apart from being dumped by the girl I loved and then having my best friend executed for a bullshit infraction, I'd say not too bad."

I...don't even know what to do with that paragraph, honestly.

"But at least I had Camille..."

Glass nodded, but as she stole a glance at Luke's familiar profile, shards of indignation gathered, sharp and dangerous, in her mind. What did he thinks he had done to be Confined? Why wasn't he more curious or surprised? Did he think she was such a terrible person that she would have committed an infraction?

Hello, Glass' spine! Welcome back. Your boyfriend's kind of a dickbag, you should probably just let that one slip away, tbh. If you ask me.

So yeah then they talk more, and Glass mentions that her mother doesn't know she was supposed to go to Earth, because this whole thing is horrifying, don't forget, and we find out that Luke was orphaned at twelve and grew up with Carter instead, who used to be his neighbor? And he was 18 at the time, so he just, like, adopted Luke? This is so creepy. It'll get even creepier later, oh my God. 

Then Luke drops her off at the Phoenix "checkpoint," which I guess is the spot where Phoenix turns into Walden, even though we've never seen that word before so we don't know what it means and lol who needs to explain these things, and then Luke's a dickbag again:

"I'll be okay."

Luke's jaw tightened and he gave her a bitter smile. "You're an escaped convict, and I'm still not good enough to meet your mother."

Ugh, fuck this guy. I don't even care. They almost kiss but they don't. He leaves and she's sad. Fuck this guy.

Then we get to the scene which should've been the actual focus of the chapter: reuniting with her mom! Whose name is Sonja! She's the only parent special enough to get a name, by the way. I'm still not sure why. 

So they reunite, and it's actually really nice, and way better than like, any of the Luke shit, and Morgan even writes it interestingly:

Glass grabbed her mother's clammy hand and led her to the couch. "They were going to send us to Earth," Glass told her. "A hundred of us." She took a deep breath. "I was supposed to be one of them."

"Earth?" Sonja repeated slowly, holding the word almost at a distance, as if trying to get a better look. "Oh my god."

THAT. Is a really good way of describing someone repeating something in horrified shock. It's the gems that you have look for, in this book, because when they show up they're actually really cool. 

So, God, this is really sad, because Glass is pretty much resigned to the fact that she's gonna get murdered soon, so she's pretty much here just to see her mom one last time to say goodbye. And I'm finally invested in this story, because Glass is about to get up and leave again, and here I'm thinking, aw shit, this is gonna be cool actually, because her chapters are gonna be about her hiding out on the Colony, right? Fugitive shenanigans? Maybe she tries to do some guerrilla-style attack on the Council, to try and help Wells and the rest of the 100? Fuck yeah, space John McClane, bring it ON - 

"Wait!" Sonja jumped up and clutched Glass's arm, pulling her back to the couch. Her fingers tightened around her wrist. "The Chancellor is on life support, which means that Vice Chancellor Rhodes is in charge. You shouldn't go yet." She paused. "He has a very different approach to . . . governing. There's a chance that he'll pardon you. He can be convinced." Sonja stood and gave Glass a smile that did little to illuminate her glistening eyes. "Just wait here."

Or...we could just throw in an easy plot device to nip any chance of this storyline being interesting in the bud two fucking seconds in. Either way. Whatever.

Also, I have no idea how "glistening" eyes can be illuminated any more than they already are, seeing as how they're glistening already, those are two adjectives that I'm having a really hard time combining together in a sentence about eyes. Like, keep your eye-adjectives to a minimum, okay. Just as general advice. There's not a whole lot you can say about them, realistically, other than "they're this color" and "they look at stuff." Oh, but you can see emotions - really? Can you really? Or maybe it's, idk, somebody's facial expression that conveys emotion? I'm getting off track, but I feel this needs to be said. 

So yeah, idk, Glass goes to sleep again - that's two naps total, in this chapter, for those folks keeping count - and when she wakes up her mom's back and she's all like "surprise! You've been pardoned! It was super easy lol, now you're free to waste your entire plot on your dickbag guard ex-boyfriend." 

"People are growing restless," her mother explained. "None of the convicted juveniles have made it past their retrials in the last year, and it makes the justice system look anything but just."

*no_shit.jpg*

"You're going to be the exception - the proof that the system's still working how it's supposed to, that those who can contribute to society are given the chance to return to it. It took a little convincing, but eventually Vice Chancellor Rhodes saw my side of things," her mother finished, sinking back into the couch, looking exhausted but relieved.

So, there was a mention of Sonja fixing her hair and checking her makeup before she left, which I think is where we get that like, weird, uncomfortable implication that Aurora does ~things~ with guards in exchange for heads up emails about room inspections or whatever on the show. Like I might be reading too into it, but I'm just automatically wary every time a woman "convinces" a man to do something off-screen, it's just a knee-jerk reaction on my part. Because god forbid we actually explicitly show prostitution on screen, that would require facing up to it and dealing with the issue honestly! We'd much rather just insinuate so we can feel vaguely disapproving and uncomfortable without actually talking about it. All the judgment, none of the maturity.

Then Sonja ends this mess by telling her to keep her trap shut about Earth, because, you know. Oppressive government.

Sonja shook her head. "As far as you're concerned, there was no mission. What's important is that you're safe now. You have a second chance," her mother murmured. "Just promise me you won't do anything foolish."

"I promise," Glass said finally, shaking her head in disbelief. "I promise."

By "foolish" I have a feeling that she means "dickbag ex-boyfriend." Just a hunch. I'm also not even going to touch the awkward as fuck dialogue tags here, because it's midnight and I'm tired. I'm so, so tired.